A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked.

"The important question is: How many hands have I shaked?" George W. Bush October 23, 1999 products Quoted by the New York Times. This was candidate Bush's response to a question about why he hadn't spent more time in New Hampshire.

PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.

A talented girl from Detroit Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point or finer Or open it out like a quoit.

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton

Es articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml gibt Wichtigeres im Leben, als bestaendig dessen Geschwindigkeit zu erhoehen. -- Mahatma Gandhi

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." -- David Guaspari

A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb. -- Stanley Kaufman

Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. en Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born? -- Benny Hill

I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning. -- Proverbs 7:17-18

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.

Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, toasts him, "Skoal!" The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you reeconveyors a bill for it.

Linux, DOS, Windows NT -- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.

People will do technical topics - desktop tomorrow what they did today because that is what they did yesterday.

Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. -- Frank Zappa

"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"

The dame was hysterical. Dames Usually are. -- Calvin as Tracer Bullet

"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" "Not in California."

Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to most popular articles on sql server, oracle and xml see this day.

Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. -- Monty Python's Big Red Book

Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel. -- Ewald Nyquist

Fortune's Guide to Movies: G: No girl. PG: The hero gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never oracle sure which end it will be. XXX: Everybody gets the girl.

Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

"I made the decision to name the Justice Department building after Robert Kennedy because he's deservant." George W. Bush November 20, 2001 Speaking to reporters in the Oval Office about his decision to name the Justice Dept. building after former U.S. Attorney General, Robert Kennedy. Aired on CNN.

"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."

Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.

HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' petefinnigan our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. -- Walt Kelley

There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same question. The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive lady, and she asked the same question. He answered: "I'm a Republican." And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"

The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because they can't masturbate.

Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world. -- Senator Barry Goldwater

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

products Programmers get overlaid.

Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6) (Round 4, the Who Wants To Be A Billionaire? Round) ERIC RAYMOND (Moderator): Here's the second question: Who is the primary author of the world-renowned fetchmail program? [Bzzz] Yes, Hemos? HEMOS: Mr. Eric... Fetch of Cincinnati, Ohio. RAYMOND: No, no, no! The answer is me, me, me, you idiots! Sheesh. I'm resetting your points to zero for that. ALAN COX: Are you going to ask any questions that are not about you? RAYMOND: Um... let's see... yeah, there's one or two here... Okay, here's question three... What loud-mouthed hippie-spirtualist founder of the GNU Project keeps demanding that everybody use the crappy term "Free oci - education & training Software" instead of "Open Source"? [Bzzz] Yes, Anonymous Coward? ANONCOW: Eric Raymond! RAYMOND: Why you little [expletive]! I'm going to...

Parsley is gharsley. -- Ogden Nash

Sich selbst zu lieben, ist der Beginn einer lebenslangen Romanze.

Burn's Hog Weighing Method: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. -- Robert Burns

Tourist to New Yorker: "Pardon me, sir, do mark balbes, ph.d. you know what time it is, or should I just go fuck myself?"

Sex ist das der Glueckseligkeit Verwandteste. Gut moeglich, dass es sich dabei um einen Trick der Natur handelt. Aber dann ist es ein verdammt guter Trick. -- John Updike

A middle-aged codger named Bruin Found his love life completely in ruin, For he flirted with flirts Wearing pants and no sql index -- ocelot computer services inc. skirts, And he never got in for no screwin'.

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago. "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?" The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?" "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied. After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!" "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.

"Eric also holds a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and shoots pistols for relaxation, His favorite gun is the classic 1911-pattern .45 semiautomatic" -- Chris DiBona on neo-renassaince Homo Heileinias Eric S. Raymond. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

One, with God, is always a majority, our online book samples but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted. -- Thomas B. Reed

Fuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, computersandjunk you aren't well enough to travel.

Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]

The new "I Love You" virus is not the work of some snot-nosed acne-laced teenager working from a basement in the Phillipines. It's actually part of a conspiracy concocted by the unholy alliance of Microsoft and several well-known and well-despised spammers. You'll notice that the ILOVEYOU, Melissa, and Tuxissa strains all extract email addresses from the victim's system. This is a gold mine for spammers, who are able to use these viruses to harvest active email addresses for them. Everytime ILOVEYOU, for instance, propogates, it keeps track of all the email addresses it has been sent to, so that when it finally boomerangs back to a spammer, they have a nice convenient list of addresses to send "laser printer toner" and "get rich quick!" advertisements to. -- Bob Smith (not his real code-name), in a speech given at the First Annual Connecticut Conspiracy Convention (ConConCon), "the largest ever gathering of conspiracy theorists east of the Mississippi."

It is search > advanced search true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.

Among all savage beasts, none is oracle migrate sybase db2 found so harmful as woman. -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Lieber krank feiern, als gesund schuften.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm java blueprints > enterprise blueprints wearing Milkbone underwear."

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.

La Brea Tar Pits As seen on the tar channel

Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to sams publishing the earth: filings to filings, rust to rust.

I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practice law. -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother Attorney-General.

Anxiety, n.: The first time you can't do it a second time. Panic, n.: The second time you can't do it the first time.

"It was real. At least, if it wasn't real, it did support them, and as that is what sofas are supposed to do, this, by any test that mattered, was a real sofa. "

As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You could have been killed!" The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes."

Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, oracle unload cvs xml flat file it's two-for-one Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."

Women are nothing but machines for producing children. -- Napoleon

Hear that... the Pope's next pronouncement installing and configuring db2 server on birth control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?

Hear about... the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml [1957, Chuck Jones]

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet."

Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.

I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. -- Frank Zappa

"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"

Apple owners microsoft access 2002 training course do it with mice!

Death to all fanatics!

Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the advertising men in charge of his campaign. "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"

It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito. -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"

I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"

Blood is thicker than writing for sswug.org water, and much tastier.

Hear about... the new sorority girl doll? You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man a tale of two authors who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." -- President Harry S Truman

Windows: Where do you want to go today? MacOS: Where do you want to be tomorrow? Linux: Are you coming or what? -- Linux Journal

A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: "Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her goodbye, and runs out the front door. He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the doorway. "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling again!"

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout"

firebird - relational database for the new millenium God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.

"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas community of ANN MARGARET!"

Macht den Reichtum billiger!

You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.

Affen lesen keine Philosophiebücher! - Doch Otto, das tun sie! Sie verstehen sie nur nicht! -- Ein Fisch namens Wanda

Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. database Well, that's love for you.

Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar. -- O. W. Holmes

This is utci National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.

Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.

Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's javaone day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.

Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way.

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. -- Will Rogers

Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has sourceforge.net: exiting with error a job.

Mary had a little watch; She swallowed it one day. And so she took some Ex-Lax To pass the time away. But when she took the Ex-Lax The time it did not pass. So when you want to know the time, Just look up Mary's ... Uncle. (He has a watch, too)

Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

The other night I was having embedded linux consortium - championing the advancement of embedded linux sex, but the girl hung up on me.

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, so they too will know that I understand Your laws." It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... -- auto insurance ad, heard on reading a list of metadata collections using odbc KNAC, Long Beach.

The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, guiding sastools the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus forums tree tonight.

Q: How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: It cannot be done. You will need to upgrade your house. Q: How many Linux users does articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to write the HOWTO-LIGHTBULB-CRONJOB, and another to read it. -- Geoff Johnson