"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began

"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' ..." -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"

It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness software for being right.

Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her breasts. "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty-five-year-old." "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?" "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."

I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, about us For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"

Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God other parts of our bodies are dumber.

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.

Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." -- NPR

firefox - rediscover the web In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts. -- Johnny Carson

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. -- Ambrose Bierce

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. -- Michael O'Donohugh

You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a free security, privacy and anonymity resources (thefreecountry.com) senior executive.

A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore.

Where the hell is Wall Drug?

Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to fix: a call to the getliteralinfo function may return an incorrect error message in the microsoft host integration server 2000 db2 driver discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten.

A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, reading a list of metadata collections Had achieved some reknown For her tone going down-- There's a nice civil tongue in her head.

Die Summe der Intelligenz auf dem Planeten ist eine Konstante. Die Bevölkerung wächst.

LA: Where the only way object computing, inc. - java news brief - july 2003 to determine that the seasons have changed is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. From mud slides to brush fires.

Die einzige Entwicklung bei der Liebe in den letzten 6000 Jahren ist die Zigarette danach -- Stern

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso

Hell's broken loose. -- Robert Greene

"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the twentieth, twentieth, twenty-first century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the twentieth century. this is the first chapter of the twenty-first century." George W. Bush October 24, 2000 Comment made by the presidential candidate in Arlinton Heights, Illinois.

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You will be successful in love.

Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece as white as snow. It followed her to school one day, And got fucked by a big black dog.

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Fry: What are we going to do? Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. Amy: No, let's buy internet stock. Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin. Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible. Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all oracle migrate mssql sql server become idiots. Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party! Everyone: Yeah!

If at first you don't succeed, iseries information center redefine success.

Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

Results 1 - 100 of about online courses 431,000,000. Search took 0.22 seconds. -- http://www.google.com/search?q=e

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It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.

Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. -- Solomon Short

Decision maker, n.: The person asktom in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.

Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"

Halb besoffen ist rausgeworfenes Geld!

How many boards would the Mongols hoard krapkowice if the Mongol hordes got bored? -- Calvin

Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. -- Gore Vidal

I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. -- Calvin

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A sweetheart named Teresa Arden Went down on her beau in the garden. He said, "Good lord, Tess, Don't swallow that mess " And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"

Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a free script hosting: free cgi hosting, mailing list hosting, search engine hosting, message board hosting (thefreecountry.com) King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... -- Walt Kelly

If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"

QOTD: "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, happy women."

Britain search > advanced search has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing -- NY Times

Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?

" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" -- Winston Churchill

"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." -- Ken Kesey

What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with lassie? A melon-collie baby! Get it?? HA HA HA reading a list of metadata collections OH OH HA HA! -- Calvin

Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.

oracle Procrastinators do it tomorrow.

There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- and there are few mistakes they have ever dba avoided. -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945

Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing general can be said."

Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Death is nature's way of telling you q&a: ibm's leblanc on websphere plans to slow down

Crush! Kill! Destroy!

BOOK ...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.

A visit to a strange place will bring oci - products - development fresh work.

It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg

DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! -- The Adventurer

You can get used to living at a nudist camp. The first three days are the hardest. -- R. Dreiser

Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick redhat to the regular kind."

A tautology is a thing which is tautological.

God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.

"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on community a mug of beer" -- Senator Claghorn

Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. -- William Buckley

New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick (#1) Adopt-A-Beowulf: the latest company to hop the Linux bandwagon as it tramples down Wall Street. Every geek dreams of owning their own Beowulf supercomputer. Very few people (except for dotcom billionnaires) can afford to build one, but the folks at Adopt-a-Beowulf can provide the next best thing: a virtual beowulf. For US$49.95, you can "adopt" your own 256-node Beowulf cluster. You won't own it, or even get to see it in person, but you will receive photos of the cluster, a monthly newsletter about its operation, and a limited shell account on it. The company hopes to branch out into other fields. Some slated products include Adopt-A-Penguin, Lease-A-Camel (for Perl mongers), and Adopt-A-Distro (in which your name will be used as the code-name for a beta release of a major Linux distribution or other Open Source project).

The only people who make love all the time are liars. -- Louis Jordan

A gentleman, otherwise meek, Detested with passion the leek; When offered one out He dealt such a clout To the maid, she was down for a week. -- Edward Gorey

Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed jdbc documentation when my heart beats.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Leela: Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe. Project Satan: That's right. Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the most evil propulsion system ever conceived!

Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that there are more important things in life than great sex.

Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my dir feet! Professor: Keep your chin up. Fry: Ow, my chin!

Hear about... the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.

Moody bitch in search of... kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.

Kinkler's First Law: sastools Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.

Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

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A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916

94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.

Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs

Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."

icewalkers He who Laughs, Lasts.

Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo

Hear about... the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell off the sofa?

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Hermes: "The poor dataconvert demented honky."

If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.

I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. -- Richard Nixon, 1972

President java news brief::oci::february issue Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. -- The Washington Post

Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the little Leprechaun. After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off his little dick!" Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"

Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick to the regular kind."

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You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. -- Richard Nixon, 1952

Bondage: Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive self to try it. -- The Joy of Sex

"Oh my god, you knocked Fox off the air!" -TV worker guy "Like anyone on earth cares." -Fry

I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the munchies, and ate the other half. Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the bottle stuck up my nose. -- Rodney Dangerfield

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Gimme that old bisexuality, Gimme that old bisexuality, Gimme that old bisexuality, 'Cause it's good enough for me! It was good for David Bowie, It was good for David Bowie, It was good for David Bowie, And it's good enough for me!

Miss Wormwood : Calvin where was the Byzantine empire? Calvin : I'll take "outer planets" for $100.

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. -- A. Einstein.

sun microsystems Adult, n.: One old enough to know better.

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The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street they only charge $1 a ball!" "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the rooms."

Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#5) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 5: Where do you want to go today?(tm) A. To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out for persecuting Microsoft B. To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus C. To the software store to purchase a new piece of Microsoft software D. To xml txt oracle extract cvs table my local school district to convince the administration to upgrade the Macintoshes in the computer labs to Wintel systems E. I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called "consumer advocates" like Ralph Nader go to Hell.

Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American dollars; he offered fifty. They webloggers for past 3 months -- by last name couldn't get together on the price; so they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got for your lousy fifty bucks."

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As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You could have been killed!" The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes."

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to stay that way. -- Al Capone

A bird in the hand makes it code certification awfully hard to blow your nose.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. -- Soren Kierkegaard

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. firebird - relational database for the new millenium Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and all the weak: Christianity. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"

Give him an evasive answer.

Frauen sind viel vernünftiger als Männer. Oder haben Sie schon eine Frau erlebt, die einem Mann wegen seiner Beine nachrennt?