Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!

"He has certainly earned a reputation microsoft access 2002 training course as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be." George W. Bush May 18, 2000 Speaking on The Edge with Paula Zahn about New York City Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani.

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard the night before. "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered." Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."

Dope will get you through times technical topics - web services of no money better that money will get you through times of no dope. -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" [aka Gilbert Sheldon]

I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. -- Keith Richards I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of bad taste. -- Keith Richards

Die dunkelste Kneipe ist besser als der hellste Arbeitsplatz.

What Did Santa Claus Bring You In 1999? (#2) WEBMASTER OF LINUXSUPERMEGAPORTAL.COM: One of my in-laws gifted me a CD-ROM containing the text of every "...For Dummies" book ever published. It's a shame IDG never published "Hiring A Hitman To Knock Off Your Inlaws... For Dummies", because that's something I'm itching to do. At any rate, I'm using the CD as a beer coaster. JESSE BERST: I got a coupon redeemable for the full copy of Windows 2000 when it comes out in February. Win2K is the most innovative, enterprise-ready, stable, feature-enriched, easy-to-use operating system on the market. I don't see how Linux can survive against Microsoft's far superior offering. I ask you: could you get fired for NOT choosing Windows 2000? You bet. LINUX CONVERT: I kept hinting for a SGI box, but instead my wife got me an old Packard Bell. Unfortunately, she bought it at CompUSSR, which doesn't take returns, so I'm stuck with it. I haven't been able to get Linux to boot on it, so this machine will probably become a $750 paperweight.

Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, "Couples"

great lover, n.: A man who dba-oracle can breathe through his ears.

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. -- Little Richard

Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.

Concept, coolabout n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. -- J. K. Galbraith

An Edwardian father named Udgeon, Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, Used on Saturday nights To turn down the lights, And chase them around with a bludgeon. -- Edward Gorey

My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Graduate thecostumer life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.

A timid young woman named Jane Found parties a terrible strain; With movements uncertain She'd hide in a curtain And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. -- Edward Gorey

Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. -- Lord Beaverbrook

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. -- George Bernard Shaw

Aus einem Waschlappen kann man schnell einen gerissenen Lumpen machen.

Anatomy Of A Ziff-Davis Pundit Collected Jesse Berst ramblings from the past few years: "I've always said Linux could be a serious challenger." "Could you get fired for archive of published articles and code samples choosing Linux?" "Linux won't beat Microsoft." "But in some situations, Linux makes sense." "Linux will never go mainstream." "We've been writing about the alternative OS for a long time now. Watching its slow, steady ascent."

The phrase 'time is money' is an insult to time.

Ne Ente, die sich nicht wehrt, landet im Herd!

Q: How does a girl know she's linuxdevices.com - the embedded linux portal: polls sleeping with a Computer Scientist? A: It isn't hard.

It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

A lacklustre lady of Brougham Weaveth all night at her loom. Anon she doth blench When her lord and his wench Pull a chain in the intelligent enterprise magazine - scalable systems neighbouring room.

A couple was fishing near Clombe When the maid began looking quite glum, And said, "Bother the fish! I'd rather coish!" Which annuaire they did -- which was why they had come.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.

You will have long and healthy life.

Lieber krank feiern, als gesund schuften.

Faith, n: q&a: ibm's leblanc on websphere plans That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.

[X] <-- nail here for new monitor

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

thorny: A thailor at thea.

Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. -- Johnny Rotten

Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, dbtools software - welcome to dbtools software volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. -- Earl Wilson

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Famous last words: 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. 2: You and what army? 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop. 5: I don't see how they make a profit out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. 6: We're just getting into semantics again. 7: Everything's under control. 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!

A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.

If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?

continental breakfast, n: A special report: microsoft-funded report claims embedding linux costs more than embedding windows roll in bed with some honey.

Justice, n.: coolabout A decision in your favor.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! -- Firesign Theatre

I'm a topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) Lisp variable -- bind me!

There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to bomb a virgin building is terrific. -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.

Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that went along these lines: (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" and this continued for quite sometime. Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 'womb'" and trotted off. (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart underwater."

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- The Washington Post Magazine, June use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... 9, 1985

A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, Who was lonely and wanted a futter. She had nowhere to turn, So she diddled a churn, And managed to come with the butter.

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. -- Tolstoy

Er ist ebenso dumm, wie er ehrlich ist. Und er ist der ehrlichste Mensch, den ich jemals gesehen habe. -- Kurt Tucholsky

It's a hughes technologies : the home of mini sql (msql) very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La Femme

Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.

A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

Linux: Where Don't We Want To Go Today?

Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are en horses? -- G. Gordon Liddy

"Trillian did a little research in the ship's copy of THHGTTG. It had some advice to offer on drunkenness. `Go to it,' it said, `and good luck.' It was cross-referenced to the entry concerning the size of the Universe and ways of coping with that." - One of the more preferable pieces of advice contained in the Guide.

I came; I saw; I fucked up.

The two things that you should never lend out are your car or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.

The new "I Love You" virus is not the work of some snot-nosed acne-laced teenager working from a basement in the Phillipines. It's actually part of a conspiracy concocted by the unholy alliance of Microsoft and several well-known and well-despised spammers. You'll notice that the ILOVEYOU, Melissa, and Tuxissa strains all extract email addresses from the victim's system. This is a gold mine for spammers, who are able to use these viruses to harvest active email addresses for them. Everytime ILOVEYOU, for instance, propogates, it keeps track of all the email addresses it has been sent to, so that when it finally boomerangs back to a spammer, they have a nice convenient list of addresses to send "laser printer toner" and "get rich quick!" advertisements to. -- Bob Smith (not his real code-name), in a speech given at the First Annual Connecticut Conspiracy Convention (ConConCon), "the largest ever gathering of conspiracy theorists east of the Mississippi."

Old King Cole was a merry old soul, A merry old soul was he. He called for his pipe, And he called for his drums, suche And he fiddled with his call girls three.

Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to raise bloody hell. -- Herbert Block

HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, wisdomforce unless you use an oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!

There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. -- David Mairowitz

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

Bridge ahead. Pay troll.

A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The goddam thing broke And beat both jdbc downloads and specifications his balls to a creame.

Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? A: A community rebel without a clue.

Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: filings to filings, rust to rust.

-- Gifts for Children -- This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have been saying theserverside this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia

Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do redhat a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Look afar and see the end from linuxdevices.com headline news feed the beginning.

Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#1) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 1: What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial? A. The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money. Now, if the DOJ were to upgrade all of its computer systems to Windows, then the department would be making wise use of tax dollars. B. All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil government has presented as evidence are obviously taken out of context or have been completely twisted around. I mean... Bill Gates would never say "let's cut off their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious fabrication. C. Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's vigilante persecution of Microsoft. D. If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage of justice in all the history of mankind.

An idea is an eye given by God for ds the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. -- oracle migrate mssql mysql Henny Youngman

Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today the latest news & announcements about linux in embedded applications ... to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York." Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles." Morbo: "Morbo agrees."

Microsoft Zen - Become one with the blue krapkowice screen. -- From a Slashdot.org post

This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he java news brief::oci::may issue seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just come on over to the clinic." "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too embarrassed to be seen in public like this." "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put on a top hat, and come on over." The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him. A: None. He declares Darkness(tm) the new industry standard.

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns

"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: tdwi So she can moan with the other!

Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant. -- Edward Gibbon

Des Menschens größter Feind ist der Alkohol. Deshalb ist man dazu verpflichtet, ihn in Massen zu vernichten!

"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple community rings in black. Will there be anything else?"

Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. (3) I don't know. (4) Who cares? (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).

Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.

The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor were delivered in a welter of tears. "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't see cvs table xml oracle extract how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... (blubber,blubber)!" "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, "and would you care to have them mounted?" "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."

Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?" A: "Is there a dog?"

A young bride and groom of Australia Remarked as they joined genitalia : "Though the system seems odd, We are thankful that God Developed the genus Mammalia."

Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

I like to say "quark"! directory Quark, quark, quark, quark! -- Calvin

Lawyers do it to everyone.

A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is true to the very end of the end of a friend.

You will be married within a year.

Want to make $$$$ really quick? It's easy: 1. Hold down the Shift key. 2. Press '4' four times.

Croll's Query: If tin whistles are content manager ondemand backup, recovery, and high availability case study #2: international financial services company made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

A bad little girl in Madrid, A most reprehensible kid, Told her Tante Louise That her cunt smelled like cheese, And the worst of it was that it did!

Hear about... the over-eager case study for content manager ondemand backup, recovery, and high availability #1: global voice and data communications company bride who came, walking down the aisle?

Gay shlafen: Yiddish h21007 for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Gott ist nicht tot! Er lebt, es geht ihm gut, und inzwischen arbeitet er an einem weniger ehrgeizigen Projekt. -- Graffito