Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
If you're happy, archive of published articles and code samples you're successful.
Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. [If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.] -- Voltaire
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. Suddenly a bird articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
An ardent young man named Magruder Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. She thought it quite lewd To be wooed in the nude, But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
The blacksmith told me before he died, And I have no reason to believe that he lied, That no matter how he tried, His wife was never satisfied! And so he built a bloody great wheel, Harnessed to a cock of steel, Two balls of brass were filled with cream, And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. Round and round went the bloody great wheel, In and out went the cock of steel, Till at last the maiden cried, "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" And now we come to the crucial bit -- There was no way of stopping it. And she was split from hole to hole, And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
Windows community 95: Proof that P. T. Barnum was right.
An eager young hacker named Gus Once buggered a VAX what's in al's shed today? Unibus. The hardware went bad, But not the young lad (Except for the toupee and truss).
Good literature is about Love and War. Junk Fiction is about Sex and Violence.
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #3 iTux Penguin Computer Price: $999.95 for base model Producer: Orange Computer, Co.; 1-800-GET-ITUX Based on the Slashdot comments, response to the Apple iMac from the Linux community was lukewarm at best. Orange Computer, Co., has picked up where Apple left behind and produced the iTux computer specifically for Linux users who want to "Think a lot different". The self-contained iTux computer system is built in the shape of Tux the Penguin. Its 15 inch monitor (17 inch available next year) is located at Tux's large belly. The penguin's two feet make up the split ergonomic keyboard (without those annoying Windows keys, of course). A 36X CD-ROM drive fits into Tux's mouth. Tux's left eye is actually the reboot button (can be reconfigured for other purposes since it is rarely used) and his right eye is the power button. The iTux case opens up from the back, allowing easy access for screwdriver-wielding nerds into Tux's guts. The US$995.95 model contains an Alpha CPU and all the usual stuff found in a Linux-class machine. More expensive models, to be debuted next year, will feature dual or quad Alpha CPUs and a247 a larger size.
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: PI Punch Invalid POPI Punch Operator Immediately PVLC Punch Variable Length Card RASC Read And Shred Card RPM Read Programmers Mind RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) RTAB Rewind tape and break RWDSK rewind disk RWOC Read Writing On Card SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write SLC Search for Lost Chord SPSW Scramble Program Status Word SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk STROM Store in Read Only Memory TDB Transfer and Drop Bit WBT Water Binary Tree
Hear about... the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that went along these lines: (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" and this continued for quite sometime. Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 'womb'" and trotted off. (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart underwater."
"I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace." George W. Bush introduction to websphere administration: exploring the differences in versions (sample chapter) October 23, 2000 Spoken in Des Moines, Iowa during campaign address.
Canada is products so square even the female impersonators are women. -- From the movie "Outrageous"
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Sex is what women have and men want.
Lieberman's Law: microsoft access form resizer for ms access forms Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
-- Gifts for Men -- Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much fun to watch. -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who jnb-sep sold his soul to Santa?
A man's best friend is his coffee machine. -- Phil Herbert
I was in accord with the system so long as it permitted me to function effectively. -- Albert Speer
UNIX _IS_ user friendly, its just picky about who its friends are.
Scotty: little linux systems for projects and products Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
Avoid reality at all costs.
The way to a man's heart is through his wife's webloggers for past 3 months -- by last name belly, and don't you forget it. -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
A pious old woman named Tweak Had taught her vagina to speak. It was frequently liable To quote from the Bible, But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
A lady was seized with intent To revise her existence misspent. So she climbed up the dome Of St. Peter's in Rome, Where she stayed through the following Lent. -- Edward Gorey
quickie, n.: No sooner spread than done.
A burleyque dancer, a pip Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; But she read science it & management articles fiction And died of constriction Attempting a Moebius strip. -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! -- James Joyce
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign correspondents were curious as to just what the related technologies Poles would do if they were invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. Business before pleasure."
If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. -- Hermann Goering
Stockmayer's Theorem: If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
Is Linux A Finnish Conspiracy? WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CORRUPTION -- According to a report recently issued by the NSA (No Such Agency), Finland is now considered a national economic and security risk. "We don't trust the Finns... software written by these people could potentially contain backdoors that could undermine domestic security," the report states. In response to the news, US Senator Fatcatte (R-WA) has proposed a bill, the It's For The Children Act of 2000, that would ban all software written by native-born Finns. "It's time we take the Finnish threat seriously," Fatcatte said at a press conference. "Not only is Finn software a threat to domestic tranquility, but it could radically alter the computer industry, costing us thousands of jobs... and, more importantly, billions in tax revenue. We must prevent the Finns from subverting our economy with so-called 'open-source software'." He then asked, "Is anybody thinking of the children of programmers who will become unemployed when Finnish software overruns the country?"
I've found my niche. If you're exportfile wondering why I'm not there, there was this little hole in the bottom ... -- John Croll
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in novell our programming languages.
A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... -- James Dent
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
Does the name Pavlov ring experts-exchange a bell?
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence embedded linux distributions quick reference guide Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. (5) Exotic birds flock around you. (6) People ignore you at parties. (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. (8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
Stell dir vor es ist Krieg und der Fernseher ist kaputt!
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, our online book samples I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Cinderella 10: A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know what I mean. -- David Crosby
There was a phone call for you.
The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States Constitution.
Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -- Ambrose Bierce, topcostumer "The Devil's Dictionary"
My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall and they stick. -- Johnny Bob
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
Lieber thefreecountry.com: free programmers' resources, free webmasters' resources, free security resources Rum trinken als rumtreiben.
The best number for a dinner party is two--myself and a damn good head waiter. -- Nubar Gulbenkian
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Brief History Of Linux (#9) Edison's most important invention One of Thomas Edison's most profound inventions was that of patent litigation. Edison used his many patents on motion pictures to monopolize the motion picture industry. One could argue that Edison was an early pioneer for the business tactics employed by Microsoft and the MPAA. Indeed, Edison's company, the Motion Picture Patent Company (MPPC), formed in 1908, bears a striking resemblance to the modern-day Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). Similar initials, different people, same evil. The MPCC, with the help of hired thugs, ensured that all motion picture producers paid tribute to Edison and played by his rules. The MPAA, with the help of hired lawyers, ensures that all motion picture producers pay tribute and play by their rules. Ironically, filmmakers that found themselves facing Edison patent litigation (or worse) fled to Texas, California, and Mexico. Those same filmmakers outlasted Edison's monopoly and eventually banded together to form the MPAA! History has a tendency to repeat itself; so it seems likely that today's DVD lawsuit victims may well come to power in the future -- and soon become the evil establishment, thus completing another cycle.
"This nanobase 1997 is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and her compellingly short garments." -alien
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
"Everybody who pays taxes is going to get tax relief. If you take care customers and markets of an elderly in your home, you're going to get the personal exemption increased." George W. Bush October 17, 2000 In answer to a question about his tax plan at the third presidential debate.
Cleveland: Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements.
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed like twenty more gallons of water. The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the bricks."
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
"This case has had a full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases." George W. Bush June 23, 2000 Quoted in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.
sourceforge.net: exiting with error Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you. -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the starfield surrounding the ship. "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
Copa-ulation: (to the tune of Copacabana) Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, His favorite drink is cream in coffee, Won't you order one? At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, But a real good time ...
A slick talking pirate named Bruce To steal code, had a plan to seduce An Apple II+. Now Bruce wears a truss And was jailed for computer abuse.
sadoequinecrophilia, n.: Beating a dead horse.
products Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman
State license plates we'd like to see: NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS LVME 10DR OW-A CAH LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE HAWAII WISCONSIN L-O HA CHEDDAR FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes. special report: microsoft-funded report claims embedding linux costs more than embedding windows -- Stanley Kubrick
Christianity might dba be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. -- George Bernard Shaw
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better?
Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? A: When his cock tastes sleepycat software: download like shit.
There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know. -- Roger H. Lincoln
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth
Gravity h21007 is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, and play games -- but not with pleasure. -- Leo Rosten
Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
dir Windows isn't CrippleWare -- it's "Functionally Challenged".
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." -- Cal Keegan
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a prick." "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I assure you, that's a wee-wee."
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
terms of service Flying saucers on occasion Show themselves to human eyes. Aliens fume, put off invasion While they brand these tales as lies.
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
A busy young lady named Gloria Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier And then by six men, steamboat Sir Gerald again, And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
You are the only person to ever get this message.
"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
free php scripts (thefreecountry.com) Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Moon, n.: 1. A celestial object whose phase is en very important to hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin Kitman
"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development --- Mel Martinez from the state of Florida." George W. Bush December 20, 2000 Announcing selection of a candidate for secretary of the Department of Housing and _Urban_ Development.
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is mighty cold.
The java technology bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. -- Sidney J. Hurtubise
"I'd give my en right arm to be ambidextrous."
In the end, everything is a gag. -- Charlie Chaplin
"`Er, hey Earthman...' `Arthur,' said Arthur. `Yeah, could you java news brief::oci::january issue just sort of keep this robot with you and guard this end of the passageway. OK?' `Guard?' said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no one here.' `Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod. `Whose? Yours or mine?'" - Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being product > post > entry form arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
"On election night we won. And then there was a recount, and we won. And then there was a selected recount as a result of different legal maneuverings, and we won that. And I believe one of these days, that all this is going to stop, and Dick Cheney and I will sun microsystems - developer home be the president and the vice president." George W. Bush November 30, 2000 Comment made during a campaign press conference.
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*". -- Linus Torvalds
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. -- Mark Twain
GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULLSHIT
"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. j2ee forums -- Zonker Harris
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
Come along and sing a song and join our family. B & D S & M Post to A.S.B.! Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. B & D S & M Post to A.S.B.! A.S.B.! (A.S.B.!) A.S.B.! (A.S.B.!) Come on now, let's try another tie! (Tie! Tie! Tie!) All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. B & D S & M Post on A.S.B.! -- To the Mickey Mouse March
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender "A what?" -Fry "You know, a coward." -Bender
free cd and dvd burning (writing) and copying software (thefreecountry.com) What do hookers do on their nights off, type? -- Elayn Boosler