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Floppy now, hard later.

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If the Nazis had television with satellite articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml technology, we'd all be goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. -- Frank Zappa

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. -- Lenny Bruce

FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You: (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

An indefatigable woman named Bavel Had often occasion to travel; On the way she would sit And furiously knit, And on the way back she'd unravel. -- Edward Gorey

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Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. -- database Grover Cleveland, 1905

Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm? A: Real men don't care.

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You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.

Join the article > post > entry form march to save individuality!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good in it today, either.

Q: Why do mice have such small balls? A: Very few of them know how to dance!

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linking suggestions: how to link to thefreecountry.com A whimsical fellow named Bloch Could beat the base drum with his cock. With a special erection He could play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach.

"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers." -- Blind Lemon Pledge

"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know" articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml George W. Bush April 26, 2000 The presidential candidate is referring to the Elian Gonzalez negotiations.

Drunkeness is temporary suicide: the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness. -- Bertrand Russell

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. -- Truman Capote

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating hog. Some violence. With free spyware / adware / trojans / hijackers detection, prevention, removal (thefreecountry.com) Gregory Harrison.

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" weblogs by subject (aka topic) or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.

I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. -- java blueprints > enterprise blueprints Marilyn Chambers

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.

We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition. -- Alex Comfort

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A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times jdbc technology the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.

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Beware of Bigfoot!

The difference between women and girls jdbc[tm] connector is as much as twenty years, in some states.

Montana: A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.

Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." Bender: tofrodos: convert text files to/from msdos/windows/unix (freeware) "I meant ass whiplash."

"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away."

Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, write for us you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs...

Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ...

Murphy's wisdomforce Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. -- Havelock Ellis

Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand? A: One hell of a big moth!

A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They got laid eighty ways -- Imagine such fucking devotion!

LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22) Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.

I Want My Bugs! An entymologist in Georgia is threatening to sue Microsoft over false advertising in Windows 2000. "According to Microsoft, Win2K contains 63,000 bugs," he explained. "However, the shrink-wrapped box en I purchased at CompUSSR only had one cockroach along with some worthless papers and a shiny drink coaster. I got ripped off." The entymologist hoped that the 63,000 promised bugs would greatly add to his insect collection. "I had my doubts that Microsoft could deliver 63,000 insects in one small box for only US$299," he said. "However, with a company as innovative as Microsoft, the sky is the limit. Or at least that's what I thought." He then asked angrily, "Where do I want to go today? Back to the store for a refund!"

"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from." George W. Bush September 7, 2000 From comments made in Detroit, Michigan.

I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived

Behold the unborn fetus and Weep salt tears crocodilian; All life is sacred link > post > entry form (save, of course, An enemy civilian).

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.

Be careful or be road-kill. -- Calvin

"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry "Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy "What are you showing right now?" -Fry "'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker guy "I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's Blankiest Blank." -Fry "She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy "I'm in." -Fry

A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is coming again soon. Bend over.

Hypocrisy is the vaseline of use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... social intercourse.

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking wisdomforce a bit, gives our friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our hero. He speaks first: "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?" "Ma femme est morte." "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- Albert Einstein

Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?" Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you." Contess de forums la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."

Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6) (Round 4, the Who Wants To Be A Billionaire? Round) ERIC RAYMOND (Moderator): Here's the second question: Who is the primary author of the world-renowned fetchmail program? [Bzzz] Yes, Hemos? HEMOS: Mr. Eric... Fetch of Cincinnati, Ohio. RAYMOND: No, no, no! The answer is me, me, me, you idiots! Sheesh. I'm resetting your points to zero for that. ALAN COX: Are you going to ask any questions that are not about you? RAYMOND: Um... let's see... yeah, there's one or two here... Okay, here's question three... What loud-mouthed hippie-spirtualist founder of the GNU Project keeps demanding that everybody use the crappy term "Free Software" instead of "Open Source"? [Bzzz] Yes, Anonymous Coward? ANONCOW: Eric Raymond! RAYMOND: Why you little [expletive]! I'm going to...

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20) Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.

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To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.

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94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.

ERIC S. RAYMOND: I'd like to introduce Eric Jones, a disadvantaged member of the geek community who has been forced to live in a homeless shelter. Eric? Come on out here and tell us about yourself... JONES: Well, I'm a consultant for a Bay Area corporation. Due to the housing crisis, I've been forced to sleep in a shelter. ESR: How much do you make? JONES: Over $100,000 a year. ESR: Wow! And you still can't afford housing or rent? That sounds terrible... Hopefully with this telethon we'll be able to raise money to fund new shelters for disadvantaged geeks like Eric here. We also have plans for a Silicon Valley Terraforming Initiative in which several square miles of Pacific Ocean will be turned into usuable land for building housing and apartments for geeks... -- Excerpt from the Geek Grok '99 telethon

Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.

Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's your last sermon!" The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't main may!'"

A lady, while dining in Crewe, Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout Or wave it about Or the news > post > entry form others will ask for one, too."

A graduate student named Zac Was said to be great in the sack. An inch of his boner Put girls in a coma And two gave them epileptic attacks.

A vengeful technician named Schmitz Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. He covered the platter With bats' fecal matter. Now it's seek time is really the pits.

The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their function is to serve as checks upon the state. -- Alan Barth

A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to settle for a kiss." The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"

One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. The large man then asked again, but still sql server magazine offer details no reply. After a few more attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"

Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice. -- C. Degen

It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.

en Be different: conform.

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground. -- Daniel B. Luten

If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.

In the end, everything is a gag. -- Charlie Chaplin

I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82

A hard man is good to find.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. -- Don Herold

One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me like that, I was only the bridesmaid."

beaconlaw Captain Hook died of jock itch.

Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. -- Seen in a Ladies' Room at Harvard

"A family in Allentown, Pennsylvania -- I campaigned with them the other day ... Under my plan, they get $1,800 of tax relief. Under Vice President Gore's plan, they get $145 of tax relief. Now you tell me who stands on the side of the fence." George W. Bush October 3, 2000 First Presidential Debate in Boston, Massachusetts.

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- Matt Cartmill

Hackers do it with all redhat sorts of characters.

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. dzwonki-polifonia -- Henry Allen

... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 WITLESS: Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon

best-data-warehouse-online Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.

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"He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide. `I will go mad!' he announced." - Arthur discovering a way of coping with life on Prehistoric Earth.

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

Lieber Rum trinken als rumtreiben.

Every program fcke has two purposes -- one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance to win. You never learn.

Lieber tot saufen als articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml tot laufen.

Every time I think that perhaps we are an advanced race, download java 2 platform, standard edition, v 1.4.2 (j2se) I turn around and read ramblings on Slashdot, and realize I was wrong. -- From a Slashdot.org post

Das Leben ist zu ernst, um es ernst zu nehmen...

She's such a kinky girl, The kind you don't take home to mother. She will never let your spirits down Once you get her off the street.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. -- Woody Allen

Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats.

The replication good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.

Why use Windows, since there is a door?

Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. All it said was: "Write two letters."

As a professional humorist, I sastools often get letters from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"

Mary had a little watch; She swallowed it one day. And so she took some Ex-Lax To pass the time away. But when she took the Ex-Lax The time it did not pass. So when you want to know the time, Just look up Mary's ... Uncle. (He has a watch, too)

This land is full of trousers! this land is full of mausers! And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! -- Firesign Theater

Jargon Coiner (#1) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * WINCURSE: Loud expletive uttered when a Linux user comes face-to-face with a computer containing a WinModem. Example: "Eric wincursed when his mother showed him the new computer she bought from CompUSSR... which contained a WinModem and a WinSoundCard." * WIND'OH KEY: Nickname given to the three useless Windows keys that come on virtually all new keyboards. These keys are often hit by mistake instead of CTRL or ALT, causing the user to shout "D'oh!" * DE-WIND'OH!ED KEYBOARD: (1) A new keyboard produced without any wind'oh! keys or a "Enhanced for Windows 95/98" logo. Extremely rare. (2) A keyboard in which the wind'oh! keys have been physically removed.